Lies planted within us

My pastor always drove us home in the church van on Sunday nights after youth group. It often seemed as though he went out of his way to drop me off last, even though I lived less than a mile from church. One night, instead of taking me straight home, he took me to his house, saying that he wanted to show me something. Approaching his back door, I could see that his wife was not at home, and as we crossed the threshold, I felt nauseous and anxious, and wanted to turn around and run. My mouth was dry, and I could barely answer him as he chatted nervously, and led me further into his home. My internal alarm system that had begun to chirp lightly in the van, intensified with every step, and time seemed to slow, as he eased himself down next to me. As his intentions became painfully clear, my brain and body were frantically trying to make sense of what was supposed to be true, in light of the reality of what I was experiencing. This was a man that I, my church, and my parents trusted to keep me safe and take care of me. He talked about God, and gave lessons on trust, honesty, and love, inviting us to bring to him any problems or questions about God that we might have. How could this be happening? Was this really happening?

My pastor's abuse of his authority over me was like a handmixer applied to my mind and soul, as I tried to make sense of everything that I thought I understood and knew to be true in the face of what I had just undeniably experienced. The disparity between my image of him and reality, caused me to question also my image of me, and ways in which I might have caused him to do these terrible things. Someone had to be at fault, and it seemed more likely to be the kid, than the adult- the robed, ordained God representative, loved and trusted by all. In some ways, it felt safer for the culprit to be me, rather than accepting that adults in my life that looked safe, and were trusted by all, were anything but. And so there the lie was planted within me, where it grew in the darkness, watered by each subsequent experience of abuse at his hand. The lie whispered untruth not only about me, but also about people in authority, people representing God, and ultimately about God himself, because after all, God was just another authority figure touted as safe and loving, that was surely anything but.

When you think of God, what song comes to mind? This was a life-changing question for me, as the song that immediately came to mind, told me that I believed God to be distant, scary, and vindictive - ready to punish me the minute I mistepped. I had been praying for years, inviting him to rescue me from the shame, confusion, and grief that I was experiencing, but because of what I truly believed God to be, my heart and soul would not allow what my mind was inviting.

God promises to restore us to wholeness in him, but He is a gentleman, and will wait to be invited and allowed. And so I told God that, although I new all the verses of "Amazing Grace", and "Jesus Loves Me" backwards and forwards, and believed those words in my head, my heart and soul was living with an image of him as unsafe and scary. I asked Him to help me even want to find the truth of who he is, and then allow it to penetrate the places inside of me that were distorted and lied to by abuse. What I found was that God could not only handle my hurt and my questions, but that he also answered my prayer with slow and gentle whisperings of who He is, how long he has waited for me to speak with him honestly, and how very much he loves me and longs to heal me. And he has.