The panel came back quickly, and we were quick to assume that a fast decision was a bad sign for us. I was escorted back to the trial room for the first time in two days, and I sat behind my abuser, flanked by security on all sides. It seemed like reality was not big enough to hold the moment, and so I felt like I was hovering just over my chair. The panel moderator addressed the room, pleading for decorum and restraint. He asked that there be no applause or celebration of any kind from either side. He then read the panel's verdict which was a unanimous declaration of GUILTY on all 3 counts: 6-0, 6-0, 6-0.
Once again a sob erupted from deep inside my body, and I caught it just as it broke free. Hovering someone very near me was my soul's realization that a panel of pastors and lay people had just acknowledged the decimation of my childhood at the hands of a member of their clergy. The part of me that knew I needed to make a victim impact statement within 10 minutes of this moment warred with the part of me that wanted to make a run for the saferoom where I could sink to the floor and sob with relief for the remainder of the day.
I could have sworn that the sob was too big, but I was able to tuck it away in a safe place in time to hear the defense's response to the verdict and plea for mercy. The defense attorney told the story of the woman caught in adultery that was brought before Jesus. He appealed to the panel to consider Jesus' admonition that "he who is without sin should cast the first stone." He told the jury that all of this abuse occurred a long time ago, and that his client had an exemplary record otherwise. He downplayed all that had been declared true by the panel, plead for leniency, and sat down.
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